Fast Five

Considering that the latest instalment in the Fast (and let's forget Furious) franchise features what must be one of the most absurdly massive car budgets in the history of cinema, it's no surprise that Fast Five is far from economical. It may feature the shortest title in the series, but it boasts the biggest stunts. Unfortunately, that lack of economical thinking invades nearly every aspect of the movie, forcing the narrative into a space that is utterly irritating whenever a character isn't busy driving a car. The script by Chris Morgan simply does not know when to stop or even hold back. It's like Morgan is attempting to write some grand family drama that just so happens to feature car chases, when the reality is that he's penned a lobotomized collection of eye-rolling nonsense that just so happens to feature car chases. Well, at least he got half of it right.

On the plus side, Justin Lin knows how to inject extreme energy whenever the movie launches into an action sequence. And the franchise has never seen destruction and gasoline-fuelled mayhem quite like this. Each boisterous sequence benefits from an accomplished sense of scope and some very sharp editing. There are foot chases in addition to the car ones and they're fun, too, but the movie's highlights usually take place behind the wheel. A gargantuan finale that smashes and crashes an unbelievable amount of vehicles as the good guys tear through the streets with a massive vault attached to their cars is an entertaining showcase of superb stunt work. Lin knows how to stage a thrilling chase sequence and his work in the action-based moments of this flick is his best of the series (he also directed the third and fourth instalments).

But what Lin doesn't know is how to put his massive cast together in a room and make their interactions interesting, engaging, funny, or anything more than just exposition-laced filler waiting for the next action sequence. Tons of action movies suffer from similar problems, so it's not like Lin has stumbled upon something new. Still, Fast Five, like its forgettable predecessors, is a wasteland of predictable dialogue and family-minded messages whenever cars are not moving on screen. And considering that this flick pulls together characters from every previous instalment to create some sort of super-team, there's plenty of lame gags and sappily tender moments to go around.

The return of multiple cast members means we get more gravel-voiced glowering from Vin Diesel, more calm, collected smiles from Jordana Brewster, and more of whatever the hell Paul Walker brings to his role. Perpetually the weakest in the bunch (and that's saying something), Walker has all of the charisma of a bowl of soggy oatmeal. He hasn't changed a bit throughout this series (okay, no one has) and he's still as boring to watch as ever. Other returnees like Tyrese Gibson and Chris "Ludacris" Bridges are just there to fulfill a need for stereotypical silliness and Sung Kang shows up for no better reason than to get paid for doing nothing (even his character seems pretty pointless in the context of the movie).

Thankfully, a bit of brand new blood is introduced to the franchise in the form of hulking man-beast Dwayne Johnson, whose ability to stand tall and spout idiotic one-liners while still appearing tough and intimidating is a novelty in this series. Johnson plays a special agent who is tasked with taking down Diesel's gang of driving misfits, who are hiding from the law in Rio and planning an apparently impossible heist so they can settle down for good. Johnson's presence means that Diesel's group finally has some interesting opposition for the first time in this franchise, but that only counts for a little when you consider how uninteresting Diesel's group is to begin with.

But hey, there are fast cars! And that's what Lin (and the two directors before him, as well as the franchise in general) has always banked on. It's the whole point of this series and nobody hires Paul Walker because they think he's made from anything other than cardboard (which, when wet, sort of resembles soggy oatmeal). So there's a sense with this series that they're getting bigger and, well, not better, but maybe not worse, which is almost impressive by this franchise's standards. And for something that promises a lot of car-related action and not much else, Fast Five at least delivers on the car quota (and exceeds it, actually). So what's there to complain about? It all comes back to the multiple chunks of fat that need to be hewn from the flick's flabby frame.

With Lin's eye for action and the cast's ability to sit behind the wheel (an exciting talent, for sure), this movie should be a lean, tightly paced action movie. But instead, it's filled with lazily developed drama and moments of syrupy silliness, both of which drag out the narrative and make me think that Lin actually expects me to care about these idiots. My emotional investment in this franchise is sitting at a solid zero and my personal speedometer might as well be broken, because that number is unlikely to change anytime soon. No longer Furious, this instalment is just plain Fast. Well, at least when the cars are running. Otherwise, it's mostly moronic and far too eager to act as though these characters are anything more than cogs in a noisy machine. In the end, Fast Five overstays its welcome, which might as well be a statement about the entire franchise.