G-Force

There are memorable movies, there are forgettable movies, and there are movies that are so horrendously awful that I wish they could be forever wiped from my memory. The useless kiddie spy flick G-Force falls firmly into the latter category. Of course, how much entertainment can one expect to glean from a movie about a team of high-tech guinea pigs trying to stop a greedy appliance manufacturer with plans for world domination? Evidently, not much. But even then, there's hope that the movie might be an acceptable work of family-friendly fluff riding on the coattails of some cute creatures. Apparently, the people behind G-Force (more on them in a moment) can't even get that right, instead offering up a putrid collection of cinematic nonsense.

The idea sounds pretty terrible on paper, but the onscreen execution is so lazy, so consistently pathetic, that the final product manages to be even more asinine than the core idea of guinea pigs on a mission suggests. The screenplay is credited to no less than five people (married couple Cormac and Marianne Wibberly, along with Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio, and Tim Firth), with director Hoyt Yeatman receiving a sixth "story" credit.

With the exception of Yeatman, each of the credited writers have a handful of scripts on their resume, so it's not like they can be forgiven for being rookie writers. Their combined writing prowess has created a sickly abomination that feels like more of a fill-in-the-blanks story template than a completed script. Each of the three acts are populated with the usual amounts of exposition and conflict, ensuring that the story remains as paint-by-numbers as anything you're likely to see this year.

The one part of the storytelling process that is completely ignored is the notion of character development. I guess Yeatman and his team of five writers figure that guinea pigs with silly voices are already characters that write themselves, since each of the critters sound different and can be distinguished by the colour of their fur. Unfortunately, I subscribe to the belief that characters are more than just a voice and a hairdo, which makes it difficult (okay, make that impossible) to root for the pint-sized heroes on display in G-Force.

But the guinea pigs aren't the only ones stuck spewing bad dialogue in this grimace-inducing atrocity. There's a hamster, three mice (they're not blind, but rather incredibly stupid), and a whole collection of human beings who look as awkwardly out of place as the animals. What is most surprising about this mess is not that every single character is irritating and hopelessly contrived, but instead that the cast hired to bring them to life is so stuffed with considerable talent.

As the schlubby human who created the G-Force team, Zach Galifianakis can almost be forgiven for signing on to this mess since he did so before the huge box office success of The Hangover turned him into a popular star. But with that in mind, what the hell are Penelope Cruz, Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan, Nicolas Cage (all lending their voices to the creatures), and Bill Nighy (in the flesh) doing here? Okay, so Cage has long since proven that he makes as much garbage as he does good movies (with the occasional Leaving Las Vegas or Bringing Out the Dead showing that he can indeed act), so his involvement may not be a total shock.

But Cruz just won an Oscar and has been receiving some of the best reviews of her career for returning to her roots and playing Spanish-speaking roles. Rockwell has a number of good movies under his belt (including the underrated Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) and recently wowed audiences with his stellar turn in the sci-fi flick Moon. Morgan is consistently funny as the delusional television star featured on hit sitcom series 30 Rock, while Bill Nighy is one of the most entertaining British actors in the business (his credits include Shaun of the Dead and Notes on a Scandal). This is not Nighy's first foray into big-budget Hollywood moviemaking (he's appeared in the Underworld movies and the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels), but it is certainly his most shameless and disappointing.

Until now, I have picked on the actors, the writers, and the director, without paying any attention to the ubiquitous producer behind this trivial trash. But I'm not willing to let Jerry Bruckheimer off that easy. The man behind everything from the CSI television franchise to flashy action movies (such as Con Air and Armageddon) to those aforementioned Pirates movies has now completely destroyed whatever shred of credibility he had left. Bruckheimer will clearly stick his name on anything so long as there's a paycheque at the end, which means the kind of cinematic madness on display in G-Force is not likely to stop anytime soon.

Nothing about this movie managed to stir any of my emotions (okay, there was some anger in there). G-Force isn't funny, touching, sweet, cute, smart, or remotely entertaining. It is lowest common denominator filmmaking, a bunch of rotten elements put through a meat grinder and spit it out in one lumpy, disgusting mass. It is proof that a bunch of actors enjoying good careers will still sign on to total junk if the paycheque is big enough. It is also proof that even cuddly creatures like guinea pigs can be utterly annoying when given the soulless Hollywood treatment. And it is a reminder that some movies are so bad that I want to wish them out of existence. But sadly, I am stuck with G-Force and cannot escape it. So with that painful thought dancing in my head, I must ask that G-Force the movie stay as far away from me as possible and I can only hope that we will never, ever cross paths again.