Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Well, at least Orlando Bloom finally jumped ship. The English actor whose screen presence is about as exciting as a root canal finally vacated this based-on-a-theme-park-ride franchise after the merciless third instalment. Now the lumbering, water-logged series is back for part four, subtitled On Stranger Tides, and Bloom's absence is one thing to cheer for. But despite some other obvious changes (Rob Marshall is now sitting in the director's chair after Gore Verbinski decided that three Pirates flicks, each one less interesting than the last, was enough, while Keira Knightley, whose talents were never suited for this franchise, is also gone), this latest swashbuckling adventure mostly feels like more of the same.

Johnny Depp reprises his hugely popular role as wily Captain Jack Sparrow and the shtick has been around so long that I can no longer muster up much disgust for it. The whole act just sort of hangs there, but it doesn't get under my skin like it used to, possibly because Depp isn't trying so damn hard to impress everyone anymore. The last movie pushed me to the very brink of my patience, but now Depp is like an annoying uncle who refuses to change. He's not someone I'm eager to spend time with, but perhaps I'm learning to live with him. It also helps that Depp finally gets something of a romance to toy with in the form of Penelope Cruz, who plays Jack Sparrow's old flame.

A welcome change from the ooey-gooey puppy love of Will and Elizabeth (Bloom and Knightley) in the previous trilogy, Jack's relationship with feisty firecracker Angelica (Cruz) is at least a subplot that adds a slight amount of depth to Depp's character and provides an anti-sentimental depiction of love. It's not exactly groundbreaking or even touching, but it still registers as something somewhat different in this franchise. Joining Cruz as a Pirates newbie is grizzly Ian McShane, who plays the villainous Blackbeard, "the pirate all pirates fear." McShane is fun to watch, but he doesn't have much to do and he never seems all that evil or even suggestively scary. He's more of a not nice guy than an actual bad guy.

The main plot of On Stranger Tides involves a race between three parties (the Spaniards, the Brits, and the Pirates) to locate the famed Fountain of Youth. It's all very silly and the Spaniards have a laughably small amount of stuff to do, so they only occasionally show up to incite a line of dialogue or to facilitate the launching of another action sequence. The Brits don't really matter, either, except that they're led by newly one-legged pirate and previous series villain Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush, still fun to watch in spite of the shabby script). So most of the narrative is focused on the Pirates' ship, since there we have Blackbeard, Angelica, Jack, and even a handsome young missionary guy who eventually gets to fill the franchise's requirement for an ooey gooey romance (it's brief, thankfully).

On Stranger Tides benefits from the distance between it and the last instalment. The 2007 trilogy capper At World's End was a disaster of blockbuster proportions, a massively ambitious embarrassment that tried tiresomely to tie up loose ends. This latest Pirates adventure feels like a fresh start, a new beginning, and the cast changes support that feeling. But while this is a definite improvement upon the last entry, On Stranger Tides still suffers from a flippant script that follows a painfully plodding structure. It all basically breaks down to here's some stuff to get the plot started, here's some stuff on a boat, and here's some stuff in the jungle. Roll credits, but only once a sequel has been set up.

It's pretty lame stuff and Marshall, whose previous directing credits include the decent musical Chicago and the dreadful musical Nine, ends up having the same problems as Verbinski did with the earlier entries. Every single movie in this series has poor pacing and this one is no exception. On Stranger Tides drags for long periods of time and Marshall never quite settles into a comfortable groove where the story can flow with a bit of rhythm. On the positive side, he's also inherited Verbinski's talent for executing action sequences. There's nothing particularly remarkable about most of the sequences in Marshall's movie, but the action is well shot, comfortably choreographed, and, as a result of those two, visually coherent.

Even with the cast updates and the separated narrative, On Stranger Tides still rides the cinematic seas with ups and downs that often mirror the previous three movies. However, one of the few additions that actually provides a hearty dose of seaworthy entertainment is a group of impressively realized mermaids. These gorgeous creatures look incredibly innocent at first, but it turns out they love to seduce men with their beauty before sprouting a nasty pair of fangs, dragging the men underwater, and then devouring them in a cloud of blood. Haha! Not exactly the friendliest fish in the sea!

There's something particularly hilarious about Disney revisiting mermaids all these years after their beloved 1989 animated feature The Little Mermaid and now turning them into deadly creatures who pose a significant threat to murderous pirates. The idea of bloodthirsty mermaids isn't new, but Disney's riff on their classic heroine (one of the many Disney princesses, no less!) is pretty refreshing in a silly sort of way. These vicious mermaids are partially created with some very impressive effects work and Marshall is more than happy to let the camera dip below the surface so that we can glimpse their fishy lower half. These creatures are fun to watch and they provide one of the movie's biggest thrills, enough to briefly shake the narrative out of its doldrums.

So, Bloom is out and the mermaids (and Cruz and McShane) are in, which is more than a fair trade (okay, it's a steal). And Marshall proves to be as fine a replacement as Verbinski and this series deserves. And Depp's shtick is just a fact of life and not exactly as infuriatingly painful as I once believed. And Rush is a pro who can make the most of what little he is given (scraps, really). Such are the lessons I learned during Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which is neither the best nor the worst entry in this series. It's merely mediocre. That's at least better than where these flicks last left off, but it's still a dully forgettable place for a franchise that, even when improved, still gives piracy a bad name.