Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Someone should tell those intensely rendered pixels in disguise known as Transformers that a bunch of irritating humans are stealing their much-deserved screen time. There are many reasons to scratch one's head while watching Michael Bay's latest Transformers flick (subtitled Dark of the Moon for reasons that will be explained about five thousand times in the movie), but none are more perplexing than Bay's decision to spend incredible amounts of time focusing on series protagonist Sam (Shia LaBeouf, trading in his charm for a whine) and his many relationships with forgettable humans. Usually, focusing on characters and trying to forge a dramatic connection with the audience is something to applaud, but Bay's penchant for directing everything with a sexy, soulless flair means that more time with characters does not equate deeper development or anything remotely resembling an honest emotion.

Instead, Bay's world is covered in several layers of glossy sheen so thick that it is impossible to even penetrate the surface, let alone dig beneath it. What we're left with are a bunch of pretty pictures and a collection of CGI creations that are easily among the most accomplished digital effects in movie history. So it's certainly not all bad. When the Transformers roll into action, the effects team takes over and every single effects shot (some so complicated the mind reels in amazement) is flawless in its gorgeous, gargantuan execution. There are moments of metal-crunching action that proudly push computer-generated imagery so close to the edge of its limits that there are simply few movies that can compare in terms of sheer technological prowess.

But these moments, as fun as they are, often end up lost in a vast wasteland of human characters so idiotic and annoying that they could only exist in a world dictated by Bay. John Turturro reprises his role as an ex-special agent who is now cashing in on his previous robot experiences with a new book he penned. Turturro has always been among the lame comic relief this series has to offer and he's actually toned things down a little bit from past instalments, but he still remains a pitiful irritant whose presence is unnecessary at best. He's also brought along an assistant played by Alan Tudyk, who can be funny (like Turturro), but certainly isn't here (like Turturro). Tudyk's character is another bad excuse for comic relief just waiting to be discarded when the movie wishes to turn serious.

Other newcomers arrive in the form of John Malkovich, who plays a wacky weirdo interested in hiring recent college grad Sam. It's a small role, really, but it's enough to make me think that Malkovich has been doing his unfunny eccentric shtick for so long now that the memories of him once being an entertaining, interesting actor are too distant to retrieve. Of course, Malkovich's shtick-for-hire is exactly the kind of thing Bay adores, so this is a good fit for someone who isn't me. There's also perennially dull Patrick Dempsey, whose big-screen presence continues to be so drably uncharismatic that Bay might as well replace him with a wax statue.

There are many more, but a rant about the human characters in Dark of the Moon can proceed no further without touching upon Bay's latest ode to the joys of objectifying women. Since Megan Fox quit or was fired or something like that following a verbal dispute that she probably wishes she could undo (her career, not exactly red hot to begin with, has since tanked considerably), a new babe had to fill the unlikely love interest spot. Enter Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitely, with lips permanently pursed and body squeezed into dresses tight enough to please Bay. She plays Carly, Sam's latest impossible girlfriend who has nothing to do but smile and let Bay's camera drool all over her.

Women are rarely more than eye candy in Bay's universe, so it's at least a pleasant surprise to see Frances McDormand appear as a tough Intelligence Director who actually wields considerable power (well, as much as a human can in a movie about giant robots battling for supremacy). McDormand's performance isn't going to fool anyone into thinking some thespian might has genuinely graced this franchise, but at least she manages to maintain most of her dignity, no small triumph in a flick with as many juvenile jokes as this one. The only other female role in the movie belongs to Sam's mom (Julie White), whose sole purpose is to provide parental advice laced with inappropriate comments meant to make Sam squirm and the audience chuckle. Make of that what you will.

All of these actors (and there are many more, including Ken Jeong in a bit role that is deplorable enough to be right at home in this movie) are lending whatever talent they possess in service of a serious story that involves the 60s space race. A silly (though enjoyably so!) prologue explains that a devastating war on the robot planet Cybertron led to a group of heroic Autobots fleeing the scene in a spaceship. This craft crashed on our moon (could it be the dark side of the moon, perhaps?) and this event caught the attention of the American government, which then hurried a trip to the moon in order to investigate the mysterious crash.

Such wacky revisionism appeals to Bay's desire to lay claim to big, brash celebrations of Americana, while also acknowledging the exciting fun of conspiracy theories that are forever tied to the manned moon landing. This whole setup is the key to the movie's modern day plot, which involves Sam joining others in a quest to uncover the truth behind the significance of what resides on, well, the Dark of the Moon. And multiple repetitions of the title follow. No one's interested in the light side of the moon, but everyone still thinks it's important to repeat the whole "dark side of" part again and again.

This whole plot is as flimsy as those buried in the previous movies and yet Bay and screenwriter Ehren Kruger manage to pad every scene with enough misguided humour and idiotic distractions that the narrative is actually able to fill the bulky 157 minute running time. This is either impressive or infuriating, especially considering that the story is so thin that this extreme stretching renders the whole thing oddly transparent. Much shaving could have cleaned up this mess, but Bay favours the bold and Dark of the Moon is all about excess, not restraint.

Since the plot is such a disaster and the jokes so dumb and the conflict so simple (you mean the Decepticons are back and want to destroy the world again?!?!), I can't quite wrap my head around why Bay insists on wasting so much time in the presence of Sam and all the other humans that act as bloated distractions. This earthly struggle, complete with forced tears and soaring scores, isn't exactly Bay's strong suit. That this nonsense exists in the same movie as the masterful robot battles (Bay's actual strong suit) just accentuates the weaknesses that much more. Dark of the Moon slums it so often that its visual strengths are constantly in danger of being dragged into the mire as well.

Although for all of its problems, I can't write off the movie entirely when it features an attack on a skyscraper that is among the most spectacular single effects sequences I've ever witnessed. I can wish it were featured in a better movie or that I actually cared about the characters in peril (that would certainly help a lot), but there's no denying that Bay refuses to settle for anything less than perfect when it comes to special effects (he balances that out by settling for anything at all when it comes to story and performance). And no praise for the action sequences would be complete without acknowledging the bonus benefits of the 3D technology used to bring this latest adventure to the screen.

The added dimension is decent enough (better than most blockbusters, but still nothing too amazing), but due to the time it takes for the human eye to process 3D imagery, Bay has been forced to tone down his frenetic editing style in the big set pieces. The result is a clash of metal titans where multiple actions are committed in a single shot. A furious tracking shot of Optimus Prime tearing through a line of Decepticons on a Chicago street is easily a highlight of the series and Bay has many more tricks like that up his sleeve. One scene involves Sam sitting inside the car version of his Transformer buddy Bumblebee. Under attack, Bumblebee suddenly transforms into his robot self, hurling Sam through the air before grabbing him with one massive hand, dodging debris at the same time, and finally transforming back into his car mode with Sam nestled safely inside. With the 3D leash around his neck, Bay delivers this sequence in a clean and clear manner that is quite thrilling to watch.

Even in a blockbuster market heavily saturated with effects-driven flicks, the digital imagery of Transformers: Dark of the Moon stands out as something otherworldly. But for all the praise I have reserved for the effects team, this is still a lumbering beast of a movie that both benefits from Bay's bravado and suffers, painfully, from his many self-indulgent weaknesses. There's just no way to forgive the prepubescent panty shot inflicted on Huntington-Whiteley in her first scene or the awful humour that puts Jeong in a bathroom stall with his pants around his ankles, rubbing a document retrieved from his underwear on LaBeouf's face, or the sordid attempts to wring sweeping sentimentality from the bowels of this idiotic dreck. If only Dark of the Moon managed to focus entirely on the joys of those titular beings battling each other in digital harmony, then perhaps there'd be considerably more good than bad here. But we're left with what Bay gives us, the whole package, junk and all. With filmmaking as black and white as Bay's, viewing recommendations for this flick are pretty simple: come for the robots, leave for the humans.